In which Abe allows his staunch support for the status quo to result in the horrible dismemberment of an innocent creature, among other fun, more news-related topics.

Click here to watch exclusive video of Abe in desperate life-saving mode.

Baseball is back and…kinda strange!

A whole bunch of Miami Marlins tested positive for the novel coronavirus, and baseball doesn’t seem to have a very good plan in place for this sort of inevitability. Since we recorded last night, a bunch more have! Pound the under on “total MLB games played this season.”

Los Angeles Clippers player Lou Williams scored an excused absence from his quarantine bubble for a wake, and spent his time out in the wild wisely.

The Democrats and Republicans are haggling over a few hundred bucks a week per unemployed person, or, you know, a couple of trillion dollars, as expanded federal unemployment benefits are set to expire August 1. See also.

Ted Cruz, America’s Most Hate-able Senator, makes an appearance on CBS’ Face the Nation. Relevant clip starts at 2:40.

Investors, both institutional and amateur, are shorting the shit out of Tesla stock right now. You could go read up on what short selling is, or you could just listen to Bob’s brilliant and simple explanation.

Some more links on Tesla from our show notes:

Elon Musk’s growing empire is fueled by $4.9 billion in government subsidies

Tesla Stock May Be Rallying For This Absurd Reason—And This Won’t End Well

Other Automakers Paid Tesla a Record $428 Million Last Quarter

Here’s that full Frontline episode on Insys, a company brought down, in part, by the investigatory work of short sellers working with business journalists.

Also from the Tesla segment, here’s a story about the fight between streaming box manufacturers Roku and Amazon and Warner Media’s HBO Max. Both box providers are also in a contractual fight with NBC over their new steaming service Peacock, and the only people suffering are all of the paying customers of those many companies, because that’s how it is being a consumer in America in 2020.

Three Senators who would love to be the GOP nominee for president in 2024 all stepped in some shit this week:

Senator Josh Hawley has one-upped everybody on the absurd litmus test for Supreme Court nominees with regard to a position on Roe v Wade.

“I will vote only for those Supreme Court nominees who have explicitly acknowledged that Roe v. Wade is wrongly decided,” Hawley said in an interview with The Washington Post. “By explicitly acknowledged, I mean on the record and before they were nominated.”

Sen. Tom Cotton defends controversial slavery comments amid backlash

And Joni Ernst lays bare the absolute ethical bankruptcy of the Republican party—she just says it right out loud, slowly and clearly, on Iowa PBS. Relevant stuff starts at 11:58.

You can read Bob’s old take on how to unfuck what Mitch McConnell’s fucked, here. We’re open to other options! Let’s hear ‘em.

Talk to you next week! Come on back to brainiron.com throughout the week for blogs, because blogs are fun!