The Everlasting Jimmy Carter
CIB is here to plow through the news of the week one last time in 2022, with thoughts on the World Cup, Trump’s NFT drop, an utterly fraudulent NY congressperson-elect, an accounting of our predictions for the last year, and a review of the new Avatar movie. Listen, if you must! Has something we said, or failed to say, made you FEEL something? You can tell us all about it on Facebook or Twitter, leave a comment on the show’s page on our website, or you can send us an email here. Enjoy!
Show Rundown
Open — ‘Twas the Week Before Christmas, and a travel conundrum
13:43 — World Cup reactions, Buffalo’s fancy outdoor heated seats, NFL silliness
31:50 — WGAS NewsBag: Trump’s NFTs
45:54 — January 6th Committee final hearing and criminal referrals
52:57 — George Santos, elected to represent NY-3, seems to be a total fraud
1:02:40 — Twitter Files redux
1:10:07 — Ben Shapiro demands that everyone be fully engaged in the culture war at all times
1:15:20 — 2022 predictions recap
1:20:09 — Wrap-up! Abe has thoughts on season 43 of Survivor, and the gang reviews Avatar: The Way of Water
Relevant Linkage
First, as no-doubt demanded by a horrified public, the full text of this week’s opener:
‘Twas the week before Christmas, and here on the pod,
Not a hot take was stirring, not even from Bob;
The mics were plugged in to the computers with care,
In hopes that good content would magically appear;
The kids placidly upstairs in front of their screen,
The CONTENT MAW has them, that infernal machine,
And Lori ‘neath her blanket, and I in my cap,
With Abe on the line, for a long winter's chat—
When out on the web there arose such a clatter,
I reached for my phone to see what was the matter.
Away to the Twitter I thumbed like a fiend,
Tore open the Reddit, refreshing all my feeds!
But the news was just stupid shit Elon had said;
I’d been expecting Jimmy Carter, fin’ly dead;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But more bullshit that won’t even logically cohere!
‘22 was o’er full with Who Gives a Shit News,
And now a Sunday Crossword, offensive to Jews?!
More rapid than eagles the nonsense it came,
And we argued, and shouted, it was all quite lame.
From Putin in Ukraine, Will Smith at the Oscars;
Senate fails for runningbacks and TV doctors;
Inflation ran away with the Democrats House,
And Maggie Brennan—in a quite revealing blouse—
Tossed o’er to Strassmann (to get off a good one),
But he couldn’t even pun SBF’s bank run!
And remember the feel of inexplic’ble joy,
When the Queen finally kicked it? Abe was right, ahoy!
The Dawgs won the title, heroes Stet and Kelee;
We waited a lifetime for such unfettered glee.
But the rest after that, it all mostly sucked—
At least it looks like Trump is quite perm’nently fucked.
His mansion ransacked by Feds, dinner with nazis,
And now the id-yits selling shitty NFTs!
If you thought Our Bogus Future was bad before,
Just wait ‘til the AI chat bots knock on your door:
But it wasn’t all bad—Abe saw lots of movies!
Of course they all sucked, but you can’t be so choosy;
Almost anything’s better than what’s in the news;
DeSantis, that twat, not much better than Ted Cruz;
The Supreme Court says you must carry that fetus,
Alito decides when it shoots out your meatus!
COVID denialism, only just beginning,
Alex Jones is the worst, but conspir’cies are winning.
And the worst of it all is we see what we want,
We believe in nothing but the almighty taunt;
If I think it’ll make my en’mies heads explode,
Then post it to all, for nothing more than the LOLs.
We could speak not a word, instead try some real work;
But it’s way more fun to yap online like a jerk—
Selves not excepted, of course, we’re all the same—
But maybe, next year, we’ll shoulder less of the blame.
Either way, here we are, just the same as ever;
To yell about it all, rarely all that clever:
One last time this year, and it’s no sad refrain—
A happy fact: Here we are, Abe…Cast Iron Brains.
NY Post: Emiliano Martínez makes vulgar gesture with Golden Glove trophy after World Cup win
Buffalo Bills News: Bills bring the heat in-stadium
Buffalo Bills News: They're here! | New Bills Stadium renderings unveiled
Awful Announcing: Here are TV and radio calls of insane Pats-Raiders ending
MarketWatch: Donald Trump’s NFT collection said to have sold out within day of launch
New York Times: Who Is Rep.-Elect George Santos? His Résumé May Be Largely Fiction.
Reason: The FBI Paid Twitter $3.4 Million for Processing Requests
“We shall fight this culture war on the beaches and everywhere else constantly and forever.”
